When I die I’m leaving my body to science fiction...

Just light-heartedness today (and no math)... in the event that the rest of the year spirals quickly downhill from here :((

I mentioned last year having a weakness for quickie, one-liner-style jokes. Some years ago a friend gave me a volume of 100s of such quickie jokes, and I take a gander at it whenever things are gloomy (…you know, like ever since the 2016 election). Anyway, with no further adieu, for sheer entertainment, here are some favorites:

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I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

If a person told you they were a pathological liar, would you believe them?

75.9% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Your conscience is what hurts when all your other parts are feeling so good.

Why do we nail down the lid on a coffin?

Borrow money from a pessimist. They don’t expect to get it back.

If you try to fail and succeed at it, which have you done?

I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Classic:

Anyone who goes to see a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

Bumper Sticker:  Make Love Not War… See driver for details.

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?  Senator.

An optimist feels that this is the best of all possible worlds. A pessimist fears this is true.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can ignore completely.

I told my wife I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a lawyer.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.

What’s the difference between men and government bonds?  Bonds mature.

I discovered I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather -- peacefully, in my sleep. Not screaming wildly, like all the passengers in his car.

I used to feel like a man trapped in a woman’s body… but, then I was born.

How come just one careless match can cause a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

A reporter traveling in Afghanistan was surprised to see a woman still walking 5 paces behind her husband. She was asked why, after so many other social changes, she was still doing this. The woman answered: “Land mines.”

All generalizations are false, including this one.

It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of what you're doing.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.

Two Winston Churchill classic quips:

G.B. Shaw to Churchill: “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend — if you have one.”

Winston Churchill: “Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second — if there is one.”

Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: “If you were my husband I’d give you poisoned tea.”

Churchill to Lady Astor: “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

And finally, giving Adlai Stevenson the last word:

I will make a bargain with the Republicans. If they will stop telling lies about Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them.

;))

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[Wednesday will return with another little math conundrum; again a rerun of one I've posted before.]